If you’re thinking about seeing the movie Fifty Shades of Grey this Valentine’s Day, please don’t. Furthermore, if you’re dating someone who suggests it, this is grounds for an immediate break-up.
Fifty Shades of Grey is movie based on a book aimed at women who are a) barely literate and b) are tired of having vanilla sex. Apparently, there are a lot more women in that category than I thought, because this horrible-excuse-for-killing-trees has become a worldwide “sensation”, spawning a host of parodies (see Sheds of Grey) along with a line of S&M products that are sure to something-up your suburban sex life and possibly lead to some uncomfortable, drunken conversations with your girlfriends at the country club.
The writing is truly, ridiculously terrible. And not in a good way, unless Gilbert Gottfried is reading it; then it’s pure comic genius. I read Harlequin romances that were more intellectually stimulating when I was 15. I eye-rolled and laughed myself through twelve pages, then threw it in the pile for charity and became severely depressed at the state of American literature. Can the movie be worse, you ask? Maybe not. Still, I’m not taking any chances.
Erotica should stimulate your body AND mind. And it shouldn’t put you in harm’s way. In addition to the piss-poor writing, the Shades of Grey franchise is chock full of stereotypes and dangerous choices; sex educator extraordinaire, Laci Green does a great job of explaining why this book (and now movie) fails and how to have fun, consensual kinky sex.
For smarter women (and men) who are interested in BDSM sex practices or the lifestyle, here’s a list of better, sexier options to explore this Valentine’s Day.
6 Smart, Kinky Alternatives to Fifty Shades of Grey
1. Different Loving
This well-written book gives readers a peek into the dominate/submissive lifestyle and its various permutations. Authored by a husband and wife duo, it’s a fascinating read for anyone interested in sexuality and human behavior.
2. Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex
Penny teams up with filmmaker Tristan Taormino for this half how-to video, half erotic porn. And it’s pretty damn good. If you’re interested in BDSM sex, you should know these basics so no one gets hurt.
3. A Submissive’s Initiative – Website
The goal of this website is to make “BDSM approachable, understandable and fun” in a “warm" atmosphere. Lots of good resources here.
4. Kinky Handmade Products on Etsy.com
Skip the cheesy sex store and shop for cooler kinky accoutrements on Etsy. From custom leather whips to BDSM jewelry, there’s a little something subversive for everyone.
5. Betty Page Stag Film – Irving Klaw (1955)
This short clip from a rare stag film has reemerged, showing gorgeous “Bondage Betty” in her submitting to a dom female. Funny and sexy. Sure to lead to foreplay...at least.
6. Shades of Grey (Parody Song) - Music/Lyrics by yours truly, Jezebel Jones
I wrote this silly song just this morning and captured it on video tonight for your Valentine's Day pleasure.
To my lovely friends and fans—Happy Valentine’s Day!
XOXO,
Jezebel
Fifty Shades of Grey is movie based on a book aimed at women who are a) barely literate and b) are tired of having vanilla sex. Apparently, there are a lot more women in that category than I thought, because this horrible-excuse-for-killing-trees has become a worldwide “sensation”, spawning a host of parodies (see Sheds of Grey) along with a line of S&M products that are sure to something-up your suburban sex life and possibly lead to some uncomfortable, drunken conversations with your girlfriends at the country club.The writing is truly, ridiculously terrible. And not in a good way, unless Gilbert Gottfried is reading it; then it’s pure comic genius. I read Harlequin romances that were more intellectually stimulating when I was 15. I eye-rolled and laughed myself through twelve pages, then threw it in the pile for charity and became severely depressed at the state of American literature. Can the movie be worse, you ask? Maybe not. Still, I’m not taking any chances.
Erotica should stimulate your body AND mind. And it shouldn’t put you in harm’s way. In addition to the piss-poor writing, the Shades of Grey franchise is chock full of stereotypes and dangerous choices; sex educator extraordinaire, Laci Green does a great job of explaining why this book (and now movie) fails and how to have fun, consensual kinky sex.
For smarter women (and men) who are interested in BDSM sex practices or the lifestyle, here’s a list of better, sexier options to explore this Valentine’s Day.
6 Smart, Kinky Alternatives to Fifty Shades of Grey
1. Different Loving
This well-written book gives readers a peek into the dominate/submissive lifestyle and its various permutations. Authored by a husband and wife duo, it’s a fascinating read for anyone interested in sexuality and human behavior.
2. Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex
Penny teams up with filmmaker Tristan Taormino for this half how-to video, half erotic porn. And it’s pretty damn good. If you’re interested in BDSM sex, you should know these basics so no one gets hurt.
3. A Submissive’s Initiative – Website
The goal of this website is to make “BDSM approachable, understandable and fun” in a “warm" atmosphere. Lots of good resources here.
4. Kinky Handmade Products on Etsy.com
Skip the cheesy sex store and shop for cooler kinky accoutrements on Etsy. From custom leather whips to BDSM jewelry, there’s a little something subversive for everyone.
5. Betty Page Stag Film – Irving Klaw (1955)
This short clip from a rare stag film has reemerged, showing gorgeous “Bondage Betty” in her submitting to a dom female. Funny and sexy. Sure to lead to foreplay...at least.
6. Shades of Grey (Parody Song) - Music/Lyrics by yours truly, Jezebel Jones
I wrote this silly song just this morning and captured it on video tonight for your Valentine's Day pleasure.
To my lovely friends and fans—Happy Valentine’s Day!
XOXO,
Jezebel
