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6 Smart, Kinky Alternatives to Fifty Shades of Grey 

If you’re thinking about seeing the movie Fifty Shades of Grey this Valentine’s Day, please don’t. Furthermore, if you’re dating someone who suggests it, this is grounds for an immediate break-up.

Fifty Shades of Grey is movie based on a book aimed at women who are a) barely literate and b) are tired of having vanilla sex.  Apparently, there are a lot more women in that category than I thought, because this horrible-excuse-for-killing-trees has become a worldwide “sensation”, spawning a host of parodies (see Sheds of Grey) along with a line of S&M products that are sure to something-up your suburban sex life and possibly lead to some uncomfortable, drunken conversations with your girlfriends at the country club.

The writing is truly, ridiculously terrible. And not in a good way, unless Gilbert Gottfried is reading it; then it’s pure comic genius. I read Harlequin romances that were more intellectually stimulating when I was 15. I eye-rolled and laughed myself through twelve pages, then threw it in the pile for charity and became severely depressed at the state of American literature. Can the movie be worse, you ask?  Maybe not. Still, I’m not taking any chances.

Erotica should stimulate your body AND mind.  And it shouldn’t put you in harm’s way.  In addition to the piss-poor writing, the Shades of Grey franchise is chock full of stereotypes and dangerous choices; sex educator extraordinaire, Laci Green does a great job of explaining why this book (and now movie) fails and how to have fun, consensual kinky sex.

For smarter women (and men) who are interested in BDSM sex practices or the lifestyle, here’s a list of better, sexier options to explore this Valentine’s Day.
 
6 Smart, Kinky Alternatives to Fifty Shades of Grey
 
1. Different Loving
This well-written book gives readers a peek into the dominate/submissive lifestyle and its various permutations. Authored by a husband and wife duo, it’s a fascinating read for anyone interested in sexuality and human behavior.
 
2. Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex
Penny teams up with filmmaker Tristan Taormino for this half how-to video, half erotic porn. And it’s pretty damn good. If you’re interested in BDSM sex, you should know these basics so no one gets hurt.

 3. A Submissive’s Initiative – Website
The goal of this website is to make “BDSM approachable, understandable and fun” in a “warm" atmosphere. Lots of good resources here.

4. Kinky Handmade Products on Etsy.com
Skip the cheesy sex store and shop for cooler kinky accoutrements on Etsy. From custom leather whips to BDSM jewelry, there’s a little something subversive for everyone.

5. Betty Page Stag Film – Irving Klaw (1955)
This short clip from a rare stag film has reemerged, showing gorgeous “Bondage Betty” in her submitting to a dom female. Funny and sexy. Sure to lead to foreplay...at least.

 6. Shades of Grey (Parody Song) - Music/Lyrics by yours truly, Jezebel Jones
I wrote this silly song just this morning and captured it on video tonight for your Valentine's Day pleasure.
 


To my lovely friends and fans—Happy Valentine’s Day!


XOXO,


Jezebel

 

About Last Night: What Happens in San Antonio Stays in San Antonio 

Note to the reader: I wasn't gonna publish this post outside my facebook friend circle, mostly because I've recently made peace with my born-again Christian folks and was worried about them reading it. But I've been challenged to live a more honest life, be who I am and not be ashamed. Called to be more vulnerable and share some of the adventures of my (sometimes) adventurous life. Sure, sometimes I take liberties and perhaps exaggerate here and there, as any Texas-based storyteller might.  But I'm no longer willing to censor myself for others...nor apologize for my "wicked ways", so here it is...

Last night was insane. 

Bussed it to a local rock club. Oh my vengeful god, the band sucked. The drummer was particularly ludicrous; apparently he spends all his practice time tossing his sticks and making up fancy "I’m-such-a-badass-rocker" moves and no time on actually keeping time.
 

 

After a few truly terrible songs, I walked to a nearby convenience store looking to kill time before the next band. On the way back I noticed a bar with rainbow lights called The Annex and thought, "what the hell..." 

You know the scene from those old westerns. Stranger walks into the saloon. Entire room goes quiet as everyone stares at the stranger. Then everybody goes back to what they were doing but that uneasy feeling still lingers in the air. There was literally only one other woman in the place.

Should I even be here? Did I break some kind of unwritten SA gay code? So I flat out asked the adorable, husky man boy to my right. Within minutes I met all his friends and we got to know each other over drinks and lots of laughs. Soon Eddie and his pals had me following them to another bar with rainbow lights: one that featured male strippers. 

OH SNAP these strippers were freakin’ hot. AMAZING bodies and faces, excellent erotic dancing skills. My new gay friend-pack thought it was great fun to call them over and then shove dollar bills in my hand and have me tip the dancers. (People see me as wild--and I can be sometimes--but I’m still a bit of a modest Catholic school girl). I was titillated and embarrassed and being a good sport about it as these smokin' guys pummeled my face with their...errrr...packages.

Let’s just say they weren’t shy about earning those dollar bills. Let’s just say at least one of the hot dancers was definitely NOT gay. Let’s just say some of events that happened shortly afterwards are not safe for work, or my parents or impressionable children but will provide fabulous fodder for my unauthorized biography.

Let’s just say what happens in San Antonio stays in San Antonio.