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EKG Stickers

I’m still finding stickers on my body
From when the nurse pulled the EKG cables off
at the local emergency room

I drove there on empty
Chest pain making it hard to breathe
And I thought about the songwriter’s songwriter
Who lost his heart battle
Here in Mount Juliet…
Or maybe Smyrna
(there are conflicting reports)

I’ve been thinking of your death all week
Bursts of fresh tears burn my skin
They didn’t ask about you at the doctor
X-rays and cardio-rhythms tell stories
But never give the full report

I said I might know
Why my chest has been hurting
But they didn’t want to listen
Or they surely would have asked
At least one follow-up question
Streamlined science
Without courageous empathy
Is disappointing
Dismissive
And maybe deadly

They’re being kind
Asking if I like Tennessee
Excelling at small talk
As southern folk do
Another nurse and I have the same birthday
(which isn’t statistically significant, apparently)
And they talk about the cold spell we’re having
Careful not to ask questions
About the grief I had aforementioned

They pumped stuff through my one good vein
Said it would take away the pain
But it’s not going away
I know my own heart
And at this point I know
They’re afraid of my blue-gold eyes
Swelling red, welling up
So I lied to them and said
That the pain has gone away

Then they leave me waiting
In an ice-cold room
For nearly three hours
Popping in periodically
To offer thin sterile blankets
While I wait for test results

They didn’t ask
They didn’t want to know
Maybe they didn’t want to see me cry
Discomfort drives the diagnosis
(or lack thereof)

The tests say I’m healthy
The doctor says I’m fine
The nurse said I could go
That I wasn’t going to die today
I told him a bit sternly
“you don’t know that”
I almost died yesterday
Just crossing the street
He much-too-quickly agreed
ER nurse pragmatism

They treated me kindly
They didn’t refer me to a therapist
But suggested a cardiologist
If I had any further concerns

They brought me two warm sterile blankets
But didn’t ask me two heart-felt questions
They took my blood and urine
But not my opinion
About the heartache behind the heart pains

They gave me a prescription I won’t fill
It won’t heal the hurt I still feel
It’s been five years to the day
It never completely goes away

I opened the wooden box
Untied the bag of ashes
Filled a brass pendant
To wear you close

I know my own heart

Bye Bye Banshee: A Musical Exploration of Death From a Femme Perspective

Well I've been back home in the cold arms of Mother Minnesota for about a year and when people ask what I've been up to I slightly sheepishly tell them about my latest music project, Bye Bye Banshee, which takes on the topic of death from a decidedly female perspective. I've been surprised to find a very welcome reception to the ideas I've been exploring through this project.

In the past several years I've done a lot of moving (Austin, San Antonio, Seattle, Minneapolis/St. Paul) and a lot of writing and drawing. A lot of grieving. Very little performing.

But still I've been bubbling over with creative energy, honing my song craft. And getting ready to hit the stage again...and my first UK show at the Death & the Maiden Conference is on the horizon.

My curious fear and fascination of death started when I was a small child. Blame my Catholic childhood. My Pentecostal puberty. My fear of hell. My natural inclination towards the dark and mysterious.

But I've come to look at death as a spectrum with many colors. That's what Bye Bye Banshee is all about. The dark. The light. All the curious shades in between. I believe that the fear of death, that (often) unspoken dread, causing suffering and evil. For me, writing this music is part of the cure.

In less than two weeks, I'll be back in the studio, this time recording the first EP for Bye Bye Banshee. It's been a deeply spiritual experience and I've chosen people who I believe will take that soul approach to my project, including Twin Cities jazz composers Chris Bates (Red 5, Atlantis Quartet) and JT Bates (Andrew Bird,Trampled by Turtles) on upright bass and drums, Aaron Kerr (Swallows) on cello and my good friend Jeff Crandall (J.Briozo, Swallows) as co-producer. Minneapolis legend Tom Garneau will be recording and mixing.

I'll be posting some stuff from the studio soon. But in the meantime, you can hear early, crude at-home recordings of some songs at the new Bye Bye Banshee site here.

Yours in life and death,

Jezebel

Update: you can now check out the music of Bye Bye Banshee here. The upcoming EP, Deathfolk Magic, will be released October 5, 2018.

Exorcism: Banishing Fear Through Art

Death is all around us. Mostly in America, we avoid it. For some reason, it's comforting to acknowledge Lady Death and make peace with her.

When I write a song that confronts my fears...when I sing and breathe out that fear, that ominous presence--a kind of exorcism happens. And the fear is banished. Or at least slinks away sullenly into a dark corner somewhere.

That's what happened with this song: healing magic. (Also, it's kind of badass, as acoustic songs go.)

A recurring nightmare.

A nightmare no more.

Exorcism.

Update: Check out the song "If I Die in My Dreams", by Jezebel's new side project Bye Bye Banshee.

I'm Having a Baby - It's a Girl (and it's a band).

I felt like it was time to talk publicly about my latest music project, Bye Bye Banshee. In creating this new band, I'm hoping to break my music out into two distinct sounds. Jezebel Jones & Her Wicked Ways will focus on the more raucous alt-country-cabaret-meets-bluegrass side of things, while Bye Bye Banshee is a darker folk rock project. This is a natural progression since my first record--Queen of the Devil's Rodeo--was a combination of the two styles, for better or for worse.

I've been working on the concept and music for Bye Bye Banshee for three years and soon I'll be recording it in the studio, with an EP to be available in early 2016.

This project is very dear to my heart. Though the music itself could be described as spooky or gloomy (even witchy), the songs attempt to shapeshift the story of Death from that of a scary grim reaper character (male figure) to that of a beautiful and often more benevolent female personification. Female death-related folk figures such as the Irish Banshee and Mexican saint Santa Muerte are featured in the music, along with new myths I've been conjuring up.

When we view Death as a more natural--and less scary--concept, I believe it can free us from the deep undercurrents of fear that dictate our lives. Christianity often uses Death as both the carrot and the stick: the fear of hell is a constant threat and heaven is a rich reward; both are designed to keep people in submission in *this* life. But there's a good chance there is no heaven or no hell...at least not in the way we were taught. So how do we live our lives differently when we see Death differently?

If you haven't checked it out, you can listen to the demos on Soundcloud here. Or like/follow Bye Bye Banshee on Facebook or Twitter.

Thanks for your support in this new creative endeavor!

-Jezebel

“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.”

― J.K. Rowling

On Death, Remembrance and Coming Home

Hi Everybody-

Just wanted to let you know that I'll be in town playing a few shows in the Twin Cities this weekend. I miss Minnesota badly; I haven't been home in nearly 3 years.

A couple of months ago, I moved to Seattle from Texas, but it hasn't been all sunshine and candy canes and unicorns. But then again, Seattle isn't really known for any of those things.

Hunter & Z at Auditorium Shores | Austin, Texas

On the second day of my journey from Austin to Seattle, my dog "Z" keeled over suddenly. After living several years with an extremely bad heart condition, he fell over, seized and then died in moments. I couldn’t revive him; instead I held him and cried until he went cold. His ashes lay in a box by my bed, along with the ashes of my first dog Hunter, who died only 9 months ago. For 10 and 13 years respectively, they were my faithful companions. They still sleep by me at night. Sometimes they visit me in my dreams.

Both deaths have hit me very hard. The loss of the second one was more painful because there's a huge void in my home. They were my family—better and much closer to me than my flesh and blood. The loss of their presence and love have brought a deeper, new kind of pain. I know this is natural and realize that the grief will follow me through this lifetime (this excellent article on pet loss explains why).

I still cry every day. I miss their unique, beautiful souls; I’m not convinced we will ever see each other again. So I wear mementos—lockets containing their ashes. I write songs about them. I draw them in crude form, inspired by Dias de los Muertos. I’m practicing my drawing, practicing my grief. I'm memorializing their place in my life...and my place in theirs.

When the dogs and I nearly died in a house fire several years ago, I started really exploring what death means to me. For much of my life, I avoided the scary aspects of Death by being "born again". The fear of dying and then going to hell was a driving force in my life, well into my 20’s. That same fear of impending death and judgment drives many of us in this American culture. We’re so afraid that we don’t question our core beliefs—the beliefs that govern our lives. Fear encourages obedience...and i'm not big on obedience.

Death has often been portrayed as mostly masculine throughout the ages. As the Grim Reaper, Death becomes a terrifying figure, an imposing spectre designed to frighten the masses. But what if Death was not that way at all? What if Death was a beautiful, mysterious woman? What if all aspects of death were tied to the feminine divine? How might we live our lives differently?

My new project is very personal—it’s an exploration of this concept, but it also represents growth in my writing and musical sensibilities. I started this alternative "career" path fairly late in life, but I’m trying to make up for lost time. This latest project—Bye Bye Banshee—is all about death. And also remembrance. For those interested in the beginning stages of music, rough demos of this new project are available, below.

I’ll be debuting some of these new tunes this weekend when I open up for the freakin’ amazing Rasputina Saturday night Aug 22 at the Turf Club in St. Paul. I'll be backed by some of the members of my former band (Jezebel Jones & Her Wicked Ways) and it’ll be great see so many friends—especially those in the local music scene—who have been incredibly cool and supportive these past several years.

I’ll also be doing a solo old-school country set at my favorite record store of all time, Hymie’s Vintage Records (Laura and Dave are the BEST) and also playing a solo show at the Nomad on Sunday night Aug 23 with my talented friends Blood Brother (Philip Westfall’s one-man band) and the ever-evolving Swallows.

View details for all Twin Cities shows.

Some of this music has never been played in public yet—and I can’t wait to share it with you folks in my hometown first. Please say hello—I'll be hanging around before and after the shows. Hope to see you all soon!!!

XoXo,

Jezebel